• 20-minute musical play for grades 4-9
  • Includes the script, teacher's guide, and audio recording (which contains a vocal and instrumental version of each song)
  • Simple to do - no music or drama experience needed!

We're proud to present an anti-smoking musical play that takes a Bad Wolfian approach (you know -- fun songs, bad jokes) to a serious topic. This non-preachy show is designed to raise questions for discussion that can help lead students to make wise choices about tobacco use. Dude, Where's My Lungs? uses information from a variety of research and advocacy groups, including the American Cancer Society and the University of California, Irvine, Transdisciplinary Tobacco Use Research Center.

Please scroll down to read the script, listen to the songs, read reviews, and get all the details about the play (plot, curriculum/content, educational standards, and vocabulary).

Item # Description Availability Qty Break Price Quantity
PLAY - For individual teachers or directors
Order 1 copy of play for each teacher/director who will be using it. Includes permission to print/photocopy for all participating actors. Mix and match 2 or more plays to get them for $35 each.
Downloadable Version of Play
- You will receive a PDF and MP3 files
Download 1
Printed Version of Play
- You will receive a Spiral-Bound Book and Audio CD
In Stock 1
Duo Version - Download AND Printed Book
- You will receive 1) a PDF and MP3 files, and 2) a Spiral-Bound Book and Audio CD
In Stock 1
SITE LICENSE VERSION OF PLAY - For whole schools or grade levels
Order 1 site license per school/site. Includes permission to print/photocopy for all participating students AND teachers. Why a site license? Because it's cheaper than ordering 3+ individual copies of the play.
Downloadable Version of Site License
- You will receive a PDF and MP3 files
Download 1 $90.00
Printed Version of Site License
- You will receive 3 copies of the Spiral-Bound Book and Audio CD
In Stock 1 $90.00
Extra/Replacement Audio Recordings
Downloadable Audio Files
- You will receive a ZIP file containing individual MP3s
Download 1 $12.00
Audio CD
In Stock 1 - 9
Downloadable Audio Files (MP3) + Audio CD
In Stock 1 $20.00
Sheet Music
Downloadable Sheet Music (PDF)
Download 1 $12.00
Printed Sheet Music
In Stock 1 $12.00
Downloadable Sheet Music (PDF) + Printed Sheet Music
In Stock 1 $20.00


Key Concepts

The following smoking/tobacco related topics are raised or discussed in the show:

  • The role of advertising in adolescent smoking
  • Nicotine addiction (especially in adolescents)
  • Peer pressure and the need to think for oneself
  • The dangers of secondhand smoke
  • The links with lung and heart diseases, cancer, infertility
  • The financial costs of smoking
  • The influence on adolescents of smoking in the movies

Dude, Where’s My Lungs? is a great complement to your curriculum resources in character-building and anti-smoking education. It's guaranteed to make students really think about the costs of tobacco use and the true motives of those who benefit from teen smoking. But it's not all gloomy! Like all of our plays, this show can be used to improve reading, vocabulary, reading comprehension, performance and music skills, class camaraderie and teamwork, and numerous social skills (read about it!) -- all while enabling students to be part of a truly fun, creative, and thought-provoking experience they will never forget.

Publication Information

Author: Ron Fink (Composer) and John Heath (Book and Lyrics)
ISBN: 978-1-886588-35-6
© 2005 Bad Wolf Press, LLC

Song Samples

Full Song List

1. Introductory music
2. Thinking for Yourself
3. Get 'Em Hooked
4. We've Done the Research
5. Secondhand Smoke
6. Twelve Hundred Dollars
7. Company Chant
8. This is Big
9. Thinking (reprise)


Flexible casting from 11-40 students.
Use as many Ad Executives, Accountants, etc. as desired.
One student can easily play several roles if needed. Note that
all roles can be played by either boys or girls.


This is the first one-third of the script:


CEO of Acme Tobacco Company
Advertising Executives
Chairman of the Board
Chairman's Flunkies
Media Consultants
Individual Actors out of Character (10)
and a CHORUS comprised of all students who are not playing roles on
stage at the time.

[Song 1 - Instrumental]

(Introductory music begins. The cast comes out, possibly marching around
or through the audience. They carry three stage decorations: a banner or
large sign, a huge cigarette, and a giant pair of lungs on a stick. The sign
reads: "Acme Tobacco Company." The banner is hung at the back of the
stage and the cigarette and lungs are placed on the sides. The CAST sits
down, or exits, and the four members attending the Acme Tobacco
Company's Executive Meeting step forward. They are all dressed in suits,
or similar corporate attire. They can carry briefcases or notebooks or Palm
Pilots or some such managerial material. They can stand or just sit on chairs
facing the audience or settle around a table. If they do sit down at a table,
they should all be facing the audience. The music stops.)

CEO: Let's get this quarterly meeting of Acme Tobacco Company started.
Now who's going to take notes?


JOHNSON: Me? Ah, come on. Why do I always have to take the notes?

CEO: Because you're the only one here who doesn't know how to use email.

CFO: And you're completely disorganized‹and you've set your office on
fire three times this year.

CEO: So there's no chance any record of this meeting will survive
to become part of a class-action suit. You're essential to our
success, Johnson.

JOHNSON (happy): Gee, thanks.

CEO: Now down to business. Have you looked at our profits for the
last quarter?

CFO: They're holding steady.

CEO: That's not good enough! Shareholders expect better. The Chairman
of the Board expects better. McAlister, tell us about advertising.

MCALISTER: I've asked our ad agency to make a report. They're
right outside.

CEO: Bring 'em in!

(MCALISTER walks a few steps toward the AD EXECUTIVES and
beckons them in. THEY enter.)

AD EXEC #1: Ladies, gentlemen---The good news is that you tobacco
companies have made cigarettes the most heavily advertised product in
the world.

(TOBACCO BOARD cheers, gives each other high fives, maybe chants
"We're Number One."

AD EXEC #2: You SHOULD be proud of yourselves. You put your
money where your mouth is: 12 billion dollars in the last year in the
U.S. alone.

AD EXEC #3: We are spending more than 30 million dollars of your
money every single day just to land new smokers.

CFO: Excellent.

AD EXEC #1: Yes. But here's the problem: it seems no matter how much
you spend, no matter how cleverly we try to sell teenagers on cigarettes,
we can't get more than twenty percent of them to smoke.

CEO: Twenty percent?!

MCALISTER: With over a thousand smokers dying every day in the U.S.,
it means we're barely staying even.

CEO: How can this be?

AD EXEC #2: It turns out---and this defies everything we believe in
advertising---that teens can think for themselves.


AD EXEC #3: Exactly. Frankly, we're puzzled.

AD EXECS #1 AND 2: Why would they want to do that?

  Song 2 - Listen now!

Thinking for yourself is overrated
Thinking for yourself is just too hard
So why make such a fuss?
When they can listen just to us!
Thinking's just a fad
Wouldn't they rather trust an ad?

Thinking for yourself gives you a headache
Thinking for yourself can give you zits
Our ad campaign's alive
But we¹re just fooling one in five
Thinking is to blame
Why won't they stop,
And come play our game.

Why or why do they mistrust us?
Why don't they believe our every word?
Why or why do they mistrust us?
Manipulation is becoming...a dirty word!

Thinking for yourself can wreck the system
Thinking for yourself can make us broke
There's billions we have spent
And they are making just a dent
Thinking takes some pride
And that is why we have never tried...
Thinking for ourselves.

Thinking takes some pride

AD EXECS: And that's why we have never tried.

(AD EXECS exit.)

CEO: This is depressing. We've got to find more teenagers.

CFO: Absolutely. Ninety percent of adult smokers started in their teens.

MCALISTER: Well, we'd better come up with a solution before the
Chairman of the Board hears about it.

CHAIRMAN (yelling from off stage): Where are those quarterly numbers!

CEO: Too late! It's the CHAIRMAN! Everybody hide!

(THEY all run around and hide in silly places, under table or chairs and
behind trash cans. CHAIRMAN enters with TWO FLUNKIES.)

CHAIRMAN: What are you all doing?

CEO: Oh, good morning, sir. We were, uh, just brainstorming.

CHAIRMAN: Brainstorming? On the floor? How about you, Johnson?
You get stuck taking notes again?

JOHNSON (proudly) Yes, sir! Every word, sir!

CHAIRMAN: Let me see.

(JOHNSON hands him his note pad.)

CHAIRMAN: Hmmn. What's this say?

JOHNSON (looking at notes): Oh, I wrote that as I was diving behind
the trash can. It says, "Too late! It's the Chairman. Everybody hide."

CFO: That was a metaphor, sir.

CHAIRMAN: A metaphor?

CFO: Never mind.

CHAIRMAN (looking at JOHNSON's notes): Hmmn. This twenty
percent is a problem.

(puts notes aside, addresses no one in particular)

You see, the key to our business can be summarized in one word.

MCALISTER: Ooh. I love these games. Let me go first. Let's see. One
word. Key to our business. Is it...cafeteria?

CEO: Cafeteria?

MCALISTER: I LOVE the cafeteria. Have you tried the onion soup? It's
the best.

JOHNSON: My turn, my turn. How about, "corporate greed"?

CFO: That's two words.

CHAIRMAN: Silence! The key to our business is...addiction.
Nicotine addiction keeps us in the black, gentlemen. And I don't
mean just lungs.
(HE looks at his FLUNKIES)
That was a joke.
(FLUNKIES laugh loudly, the BOARD joins in, then
CHAIRMAN silences them instantly with a hand gesture)
Here's all you need to know. FLUNKY!

FLUNKY #1 (by rote): Although seventy percent of smokers want to quit,
only five to fifteen percent succeed.

CEO: That's great, sir.

CHAIRMAN: It gets better. (claps his hands)

FLUNKY #2: Recent research shows that adolescent exposure to
nicotine can modify crucial brain development.

CFO: What's that mean, sir?

CHAIRMAN: It means the adolescent brain is more sensitive to nicotine
than an adult brain: so...teen smokers grow dependent on cigarettes faster.

MCALISTER: Stunning, sir.

CHAIRMAN: So you see, we just have to catch them when they're young.
Do whatever it takes.
(CHAIRMAN pulls out a lobster bib and puts in on;
FLUNKIES pull out fishing poles)
Then you reel them in for life.

  Song 3 - Listen now!

Get 'em started
That's all it took

Cast the line out
And then they're hooked.

Little nibble
And soon they're cooked...mmmm

Let's go fishing
And get 'em hooked.

Go catch them when they're young
Don't go throwin' 'em back
Addicted in just weeks
and then they're trapped in our sack
Though most try to quit only five percent can
The rest can be dressed for our hot frying pan.

Let's go trolling
The fishing's great

Get the napkins
I've got the bait.

They feel immortal
And overlooked

We'll give them something
And get them hooked.

Go catch them when they're young
Don't go throwin' 'em back
Addicted in just weeks
And then they're trapped in our sack
Though most try to quit only five percent can
The rest can be dressed for our hot frying pan.

(while CHAIRMAN and FLUNKIES dance):
Doo bah doo bah Doo bee doo bah doo

Cast the line out
And then they're hooked.

Shoo bee doo bah Doo be doo bah doo

Let's go fishing
And get ¹em hooked.

CHAIRMAN (after song): Don't make me have to come back in
here again...or I'll come fishing for YOU.


CEO: Okay, we'd better come up with some ideas quick.

CFO: This is tough. Remember the good old days when teens would just
do whatever their friends did?

MCALISTER: Yeah. Peer pressure is our best friend.

JOHNSON: I thought dogs were our best friend.

MCALISTER: We're talking about selling cigarettes, Johnson.

JOHNSON: Dogs can sell cigarettes?

CEO: You're wasting your time, McAlister.

CFO: Let's call in the Public Relations Research Team. I bet they
can come up with something.

CEO: Brilliant idea. Go get them.
(CFO leaves)
These folks proved in our own labs that monkeys that SMOKE
live longer than monkeys that DON'T smoke.

JOHNSON: That's awesome! We need to ask how they got
monkeys to start smoking in the first place.

MCALISTER: Johnson...

JOHNSON: I mean, how do monkeys even buy cigarettes? I didn't
think they were tall enough to see over the counter of a convenience store.

MCALISTER: Johnson, the monkeys didn't buy cigarettes. They were
tied down in the lab and forced to inhale cigarette smoke.

JOHNSON: Oh. Can we do that with teens?

CFO (entering): Here they are, our Public Relations Research Team.

CEO: Excellent.

RESEARCHER #1: What you have here is a perception problem.

RESEARCHER #2: Our research reveals that most people, including
teens, think smoking is a smelly, ugly habit.

CFO: Nonsense.

MCALISTER: Nothing an industrial strength scrubbing or acid bath
can't handle.

RESEARCHER #1: Exactly. So what we need to do is to change
the perception.

RESEARCHER #2: When people started worrying about the health
effects of smoking, we ran the monkey trials.

JOHNSON: How DID you prove that smoking monkeys live longer
than non-smoking monkeys?

RESEARCHER #1: It's all in the fine print.

RESEARCHER #2: We just "forgot" to feed the non-smoking
monkeys. They didn't last more than a week.

JOHNSON: Wow. Do you think THAT would work on teens?

CEO: Johnson, we don't want to KILL our customers. At least not
before they can buy our cigarettes for a few decades.

RESEARCHER #2: We've done our own research on this
perception problem about cigarettes.

RESEARCHER #1: Once our findings are published, we think
smoking will gain a whole new attractiveness.

RESEARCHER #2: We've done a scientific survey of over half a
dozen smokers in the cafeteria...

MCALISTER: I LOVE the cafeteria!

JOHNSON: Wait. How many people did you talk to?

RESEARCHER #2: Six. They were carefully chosen.

JOHNSON: Can you do a survey with just six people?

RESEARCHER #1: Sure...and the results are just what we were looking for.

  Song 4 - Listen now!

We've done the research
Our surveys agree
When your hair and your eyelashes
Smell like smoke and moldy ashes
You'll triple-up your popularity.

We've done the research
Our studies are clear
Tarnished yellow teeth look better
You just need the perfect sweater
A smoker's wrinkled skin won't show for years.

Woh oh oh oh
The public overreacts
Woh oh oh oh
They just don't have our facts.

ONE MEMBER of CHORUS (holding a clipboard -very official- speaks):
Eighty percent of Americans surveyed think cigarette burns on a sofa are
an important expression of postmodern home decorating.

We've done the research
Statistics don't lie
Every smoker will assure you
Awful breath should not deter you
Just keep a million Tic Tacs standing by.

  • We've done the research
    The verdict is plain
    That all smokers have fun more ways
    You can see them outside doorways
    Just jokin' round on sidewalks in the rain.

    Woh oh oh oh
    The public overreacts
    Woh oh oh oh
    They just don't have our facts.

    ONE MEMBER of CHORUS (spoken): Research says, without a full
    ashtray, a home is not a home.

    They just don't have our facts.

    (This concludes the first one-third of the script.)

  • "We really like the subversive nature of your new play, 'Dude, Where's My Lungs?' We'd love to see more plays that encourage children to look at life a little differently and think for themselves. Thank you for making this one."

    ---Shannon Bradford, Teacher (5th grade), Frank Zeek School, Ukiah, CA

    "My class performed 'Dude, Where's My Lungs?' while another class performed '13 Colonies.' Each play was a huge success: the students enjoyed performing them, and parents loved watching them. This was the first musical for each teacher and we both enjoyed the process. Next year we'd like to do two apiece, and there seems to have been interest generated among other teachers in doing plays published by Bad Wolf Press. I think you and the staff at Bad Wolf Press have the formula for putting musicals that are easy and fun."

    ---Glenn Aitkens, Teacher (5th grade), Edison School, Alameda, CA

    Common Core and Other National Standards


    Language Arts

    History/Social Studies

    National Core Arts Standards


    class-action suit
    industrial strength
    "life's a peach"
    au contraire
    "the system"
    "jump start"
    mon ami
    "up in smoke"
    product placement
    Heimlich maneuver
    ad campaign

    Number of questions: 0

    Frequently Asked Questions About Bad Wolf Products and Licensing

    How does your pricing and licensing work?

    A: In short: each teacher/director using the play should have a copy of it. That's it! Your purchase gives you the right to use the play with as many classes as you wish, to photocopy the script for your actors, and to put on as many performances as you wish. This one-time purchase gives you a lifetime license. See below for more information on site licenses (for 3+ teachers or whole schools).

    Q: What comes in the package?

    A: Every musical play comes with the script and a 12-page Teacher's Guide that provides lots of tips and advice for using the play from start to finish. It also includes the audio recording for the play, which has all the songs both WITH and WITHOUT vocals. Sheet music is NOT included with the basic package, but it is available for $12. Extra/replacement CDs are also available for $12.

    Every non-musical play comes with the script and the 12-page Teacher's Guide.

    Q: I'm just one teacher putting on a play. If I use the play with multiple classes, do I have to purchase multiple licenses?

    A: No! Your purchase gives you a lifetime license to be used with as many actors and classes as you wish. If other teachers/directors wish to use the play as well, they will need to purchase their own licenses.

    Q: Do I need to purchase scripts for students?

    A: No! Your purchase includes permission to photocopy the script for your actors.

    Q: What is a "site license"? How do I know if I need one?

    A site license is the economical choice when a whole school or grade level wants to put on the same play. Instead of each teacher/director having to purchase a script, the school/site can purchase a site license. This comes with three copies of the play (or one digital download) and permission to make copies for any additional participating teachers, as well as all the actors. You do NOT need to purchase both a site license and individual copies of the play; just buy one or the other.

    Q: I understand that I can get two or more scripts for $35 each. Do they have to be the same play?

    Nope! The discount applies whether you are purchasing multiple copies of the same show or single copies of multiple shows.

    Q: What is the difference between the printed and digital versions? Which one should I get?

    There is no difference in terms of content. The printed version of a musical play comes with an audio CD in a plastic sleeve in the back of the book. The digital version comes with two downloadable files: the script (PDF format) and the songs (individual MP3 files compressed in ZIP format). The advantage of the digital version is that you will not pay shipping and you can start using it instantly. Please read the question following this one about the technical requirements for digital files.

    Non-musical plays are available in the form of a printed book or a PDF file.

    Q: What are the technical requirements for the digital version?

    1. You will need to have Adobe Reader (free) or another software application that can open PDF files.
    2. You will need to be able to open ZIP files. The vast majority of computers should be able to do this without difficulty. If you wish to download the music directly to your phone or tablet, you will need to download an app that will open ZIP files. Many free ones are available.
    3. You will need to have some kind of audio player (such as iTunes or Windows Media Player) that will play MP3 files.

    Advanced technical knowledge is not required; but please note that we do not have the ability to offer technical support for issues related to digital files. If you are unsure, it is probably best to stick with the printed version.

    Q: What is your return/exchange policy?

    A: Bad Wolf proudly offers a 100% guarantee. You can always exchange a product for another or get a full refund. No time limits, no questions.

    Q: Is it OK if I edit the script?

    A: Yes! Consider the play to be a jumping-off point. You are always welcome to change or omit anything that doesn't work for your class, administration, or parents. You are welcome to rewrite lyrics, lines, or jokes -- or add your own! (The kids love doing this, by the way.)

    Q: How long does shipping take?

    A: We say that you should allow for one week within the U.S., but most orders are shipped the same day and arrive 1-3 days later. International orders usually take around two weeks to arrive.

    Q: Do I need to pay any performance royalties?

    A: As long as your admission price is less than $5 per ticket, you never need to pay performance royalties with a Bad Wolf show. If you decide to charge more than $5 a ticket, or if you are using one of our plays for a PAID workshop, camp, assembly, etc., pay only a low 1-2% royalty on gross revenues. See our royalty page to view the rates and pay.