The Texans:

CHARACTERS:

Teacher
Students: Anna, Barbara, Joey
Native Americans
Spanish Explorer
Mission Builders
Stephen Austin
Sara (Austin’s secretary)
Old 300 (men)
Old 300 (women)
Texan Fighters
Worried Texans
Susannah Dickinson and Friend
Texas Citizens
Sam Houston
José Antonio Navarro
Working Texans
Farmers (including Oil-Covered Farmer)
Cattlemen
and a Chorus made up of all students who are not playing roles at the time.

(We see a classroom. A TEACHER stands at the front. STUDENTS are sitting on floor, looking bored and tired.)

TEACHER: Okay, class, it’s time to review Texas history for tomorrow’s test.

BARBARA: But Miss Livingston, I’m hungry.

JOEY: Yeah, can’t we eat first?

TEACHER: Now class, we have to get up to when Texas becomes a state. And we only have half an hour today.

ANNA: I can’t wait half an hour. My brain needs food.

TEACHER: Well, what better brain food is there than a little history?

BARBARA: What do you mean?

TEACHER: I’ve got an idea. You’re hungry. We need to cover the material. So let’s make lunch out of our lesson.

ANNA: You mean, like, eat history?

JOEY: Sounds pretty bland to me. Can’t we have a burger?

TEACHER: Nonsense. We just need a little barbecue sauce. Everything’s better with a little barbecue sauce. Joey, Barbara, pull out that grill. Anna, get the history book please. This is going to be fun!

ENTIRE CLASS:              Song 1

Let’s cook, let’s cook some history today
Let’s cook, let’s cook early Texas right away
Social studies makes great food
When they’re nicely barbecued
Let’s cook, let’s cook, let’s cook
Some history today.

(A STUDENT puts a map of Texas on the barbecue. NOTE: Before something is put on the barbecue throughout the show, it should be held up so the audience can see it):

Let’s cook, let’s cook some history right now
Let’s baste, let’s taste the lone star state will make great chow.
(A STUDENT puts a cut-out “1845” on the barbecue)
Even dates can be a thrill
When you pop them on a grill
Let’s cook, let’s cook, let’s cook
Some history right now.

Oh history’s great
Served up on a plate
Texas is a savory state

Oh history’s fun
I like it well-done

JOEY:
I like mine on a big bun.

TEACHER (spoken): That’s the spirit! History and barbecue! They always go together!

CLASS:

Let’s cook, let’s cook some history today
Let’s cook, let’s cook early Texas right away


ANNA:
For this feast we don’t need bibs

JOEY:
Can’t we just toss on some ribs?

CLASS:

Let’s cook, let’s cook, let’s cook
Some history today.


TEACHER: Now where should we begin our feast of history?

ANNA: How about when the Spanish first landed in Texas?

BARBARA: Or how about with the Native Americans? They were here long before the Spanish.

JOEY: Why not when the Spanish first met the Native Americans? I bet they had some great lunches.

TEACHER: That’s a good idea. Let’s put them on the grill and see what
happens.

(STUDENTS put Spanish Explorers and Native Americans from the history book on the barbecue, and then move aside as the two groups appear. We see NATIVE AMERICAN working hard with a hoe. After a few seconds, a SPANISH EXPLORER comes up to the NATIVE AMERICAN.)

EXPLORER: I have come from Spain in search of the Seven Cities of Gold.

NATIVE: I’ve never heard of them.

EXPLORER: Impossible. The New World is filled with treasure. We have heard many tales of the Seven Cities of Gold.

NATIVE: Sorry. My grandfather does tell a good story about the Five Caves of Rabid Wolverines. I suppose something could have gotten lost in translation.

EXPLORER: Are you going to help me or not?

NATIVE: I’m telling you you’ve got the wrong place and the wrong people.

EXPLORER: What?

NATIVE AMERICAN:                                        Song 2
Do I look like an Inca to you?
Some rich king with a golden throne or two?
Would I sweat or freeze all day
In a pueblo made of clay
If I owned a big condo in Peru?

EXPLORER (moves across stage to another NATIVE AMERICAN, dressed differently, who holds the paddle to a canoe): Hey you, where is the gold?

NATIVE AMERICAN #2:

Do I look like an Aztec to you?
Is there one single pyramid in view?
So forget what you’ve been told
There’re no cities made of gold
There are no silver crowns in my canoe.

NATIVE AMERICANS:

There’re Apaches on the plains
Who ride swifter than the breeze
Karankowas on the coast
Smeared with alligator grease.
We’ve got furs and skins to peddle
But not a single precious metal.

NATIVE AMERICANS and CHORUS:

Do I look like an Inca to you?
Some rich king with a golden throne or two?
Would I sweat or freeze all day
In a pueblo made of clay
If I owned a big condo in Peru?

(THEY exit; TEACHER and STUDENTS appear again)


TEACHER: So what happened after the Spanish arrived?

ANNA: They built some towns and tried to settle Texas as a province.

BARBARA: And they built missions, although a lot of them weren’t very successful.

JOEY: Yeah, missions! Many were founded by that great missionary, Sir Francisco Brisket. And in his honor we’ll put on the barbecue a nice big brisket that my mom bought yesterday at the…

ANNA: Joey!

TEACHER: I think your stomach is on its own mission, Joey.

JOEY: But what about Sir Francisco? He deserves some recognition. Maybe we could just sear a hot dog and salute it or something.

TEACHER: Here, Joey. Put this mission on the grill and try to concentrate on some real history.

(JOEY puts a picture of a mission on the barbecue and THEY step aside. We see THREE MISSION BUILDERS marching along. ONE is the LEADER; the other TWO, carrying shovels and/or a Spanish flag, clearly struggle to follow along.)

LEADER: Come on, men, we’ve got to found another mission before sundown.

MISSION BUILDER #1: Can’t we rest for a minute? I think I’ve got a boulder in my boot.

LEADER: Forward. We must lay claim to all of this land for Spain.

MISSION BUILDER #2: But this province of Texas is huge. We’re in the middle of nowhere.

MISSION BUILDER #1: Weren’t we in the middle of nowhere last month?

MISSION BUILDER #2: And the month before that.

LEADER: Let’s go—we’ve got a job to do.

MISSION BUILDER #1: And it looks like we’re going nowhere in hurry once again:

TWO MISSION BUILDERS:                                  Song 3

We got our orders from the King of Spain
Defend our land through heat and dust and rain
But staking out claims, man is it the pits
Let’s plant a flag or two and call it quits.

LEADER: Come on, quit dragging behind.

TWO MISSION BUILDERS:
He says get tougher, boy, and be a mensch
You gotta build a buffer ’gainst the French
But I just see swamps, deserts and ravines
And I don’t even know what “buffer” means.


ALL THREE:
We are on a mission
Put a mission here
That’s our job
On the frontier.
We are on a mission
Put a mission here
That’s our job
On the frontier.

TWO MISSION-BUILDERS:
So here we are to civilize this land
You might as well build cannon out of sand
And meanwhile I’m so tired, thirsty, hot and damp
That even my old pants have got a cramp.

LEADER #1: Come on, let’s go! You! Treat that shovel with respect!

THREE MISSION BUILDERS and CHORUS:
We are on a mission
Put a mission here
That’s our job
On the frontier.
We are on a mission
Put a mission here
That’s our job
On the frontier.



(THEY exit. TEACHER and STUDENTS reappear.)
BARBARA (holding history book): Oh, I know what comes next.

TEACHER: What is it?

BARBARA (pulling out figure): It’s time for Stephen Austin, the father of Texas.

TEACHER: That’s right. In the early 1820s Mexico gained independence from Spain. Stephen Austin thought Mexico might want to populate Texas with Americans who would be loyal to Mexico.

JOEY: But why would people from the U.S. want to move to a Mexican province?

ANNA: How about 5000 acres of land for each family at just pennies an acre?

JOEY: That would do it.

BARBARA: But it still wasn’t easy to get people to come—Texas was a tough place to live.

TEACHER: Well let’s see how Stephen Austin managed it.

(BARBARA puts image on barbecue, THEY step aside. STEPHEN AUSTIN appears, pacing, holding a piece of paper.)

AUSTIN (as he paces, to himself): I just can’t figure it out.
(shouts)
Sara, Sara, can you come in here?

SARA (entering, holding a memo pad and pen): Yes, Mr. Austin?

AUSTIN: Sara, I need some help with this flyer. I’m not getting much response on this Texas deal. I can’t understand. The land is fertile, cheap, there’s plenty of water.

SARA: How many families do you need?

AUSTIN: I promised the Mexican government I’d bring in 300.

SARA: How many have responded to your ad?

AUSTIN: Four. And that’s counting the Siamese twins twice.

SARA: Hmmn. Would you mind if I looked at the flyer?

AUSTIN: Please.
(Hands it to her.)

SARA (reads it, then responds): Well, it’s a good flyer. An excellent flyer. But I think you may need to make it more alluring. You know, pretty it up a bit.

AUSTIN: I’ve got to be honest—it’s not going to be a picnic in this colony.

SARA: Oh, yes, of course. But you just need to give it the right spin.

AUSTIN: Spin?

SARA: Trust me—I see a great future in spin. Here, let me show you. You read me a line from the ad, and I’ll give it a slight rewrite.

AUSTIN:             Song 4

No towns and no neighbors for miles across

SARA:
Get out of the traffic and be your own boss.

AUSTIN:
You must become Catholic to join in our crew

SARA:
Come visit our missions and learn Latin too.

BOTH:
Americans wanted
Come south and come west
There’s land for the asking
It’s Mexico’s best
Americans wanted
Down Mexico way
Americans wanted today.

AUSTIN:
Some Indians may scalp you and cut off your ears

SARA:
The natives are frisky and love souvenirs.

AUSTIN:
And some are fierce cannibals you’ll have to fight

SARA:
The locals will have you to dinner one night.

BOTH and CHORUS:
Americans wanted
Come south and come west
There’s land for the asking
It’s Mexico’s best
Americans wanted
Down Mexico way
Americans wanted today.

AUSTIN:
You’ll all become Mexican citizens then

SARA:
You won’t pay a penny in taxes again.

AUSTIN:
No towns and no neighbors for miles across.

SARA:
Get out of the traffic and be your own boss.

BOTH and CHORUS:
Americans wanted
Come south and come west
There’s land for the asking
It’s Mexico’s best
Americans wanted
Down Mexico way
Americans wanted today.
Americans wanted today.

(THEY exit. Two MEN and Two WOMEN enter, looking dirty and tired, but not defeated.)

MAN: Well, Austin said it would be tough, but I didn’t think it would be this
hard.

WOMAN: It’s always hard being the first.

MAN #2: That’s right. But we should be proud bein’ part of the Old 300, the first families to come to Austin’s colony.

WOMAN #2: We are. But there’s no time for bustin’ out with pride—we got work to do.

OLD 300 MEN:                              Song 5

We’re the Old 300
Our life here’s mighty plain
Spend our days out hunting
And praying for some rain.

OLD 300 WOMEN:
We’re the Old 300
We’ve got no stove or bed
There’s no cloth for sewing
No flour for making bread.

ALL:
But hey, hey we are staying
Hey we’re on our own
We are not running or straying
Texas is our home.

OLD 300 MEN:
We’re the Old 300
Up early ev’ry morn
Planting fields of cotton
And tending fields of corn.

OLD 300 WOMEN:
We’re the Old 300
We work until we hurt
How can we clean cabins
With floors made out of dirt?

ALL 300 and CHORUS:
But hey, hey we are staying
Hey we’re on our own
We are not running or straying
Texas is our home.
Hey hey we are staying
Hey we’re on our own
We are not running or straying
Texas is our home.

(THEY exit. TEACHER and STUDENTS reappear.)

Song List

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