Mrs. Griffin (Teacher)
Various Students
Miss Docent (Museum Guide)                                            
George Washington
Henry Knox
John Jay
Abigail, John, and John Quincy Adams
Thomas Jefferson
Alexander Hamilton
Dolly Madison
Presidential Groupies
Andrew Jackson
Jackson's Kitchen Cabinet
Martin Van Buren, William Henry Harrison, and John Tyler
Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Susan B. Anthony
Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan
Abraham Lincoln
and a CHORUS comprised of all students who are not playing roles on stage at 
the time.

The CLASS enters, following their teacher, MRS. GRIFFIN.
THEY all stop and the TEACHER speaks.)

TEACHER:  Attention, students! I want you all to listen and look carefully on our f
ield trip today.

STUDENT #1:  Mrs. Griffin, what is this place?

TEACHER:  This the Presidential Museum. We're going to learn about the Presidents 
of the United States.

STUDENT #2:  All of them? Even Benjamin Franklin?

TEACHER:  Benjamin Franklin was NOT one of the presidents.

STUDENT #3:  How about Elvis?

TEACHER: Shush. This morning we're going to learn about the first 16 presidents, 
from Washington to Lincoln. And I can see we have a lot to learn.

STUDENT #1:  Yeah. I can never keep those old guys straight.

Song 1
STUDENT A:
Washington's the first one
I'm pretty sure
After that I have no clue

STUDENT B:
Tyler or a Taylor
Pierce or a Polk
James Buchanan, who are you?

STUDENTS C and D:
I remember Lincoln
The rest are a blur
Never been that good with names

STUDENTS E and F:
Sixteen different fellows
Hard to keep straight
Three named John and four named James.

CLASS:
Presidents, presidents, presidents
The first sixteenčwho were those gents?
Presidents, presidents, presidents
The first sixteenčwho were those gents?
Time we started thinkin'
'Bout Washington to Lincoln
We haven't got an inklin' 'bout the presidents.

Washington's the first one
I'm pretty sure
After that I have no clue

Tyler or a Taylor
Pierce or a Polk
James Buchanan, who are you?

I remember Lincoln
The rest are a blur
Never been that good with names

Sixteen different fellows
Hard to keep straight
Three named John and four named James.

CLASS:
Presidents, presidents, presidents
The first sixteenčwho were those gents?
Presidents, presidents, presidents
The first sixteenčwho were those gents?
Time we started thinkin'
'Bout Washington to Lincoln
We haven't got an inklin' 'bout the presidents.

	(MISS DOCENT enters.)

MISS DOCENT:  Welcome, Mrs. Griffin and students, to the Presidential 
Museum. My name is Miss Docent, and I'll be your guide. I understand 
we only have half an hour today, so I recommend we tour the south wing. 
This section contains displays for the first 16 presidents.
	
MRS. GRIFFIN (looking at a display):  Ooh!. Look at these teeth!

MISS DOCENT:  Those are some of the false teeth used by George 
Washington. They're made of ivory.

	(GEORGE WASHINGTON suddenly appears, accompanied
	by HENRY KNOX and JOHN JAY.)

Ah, and here's President Washington now.

MRS. GRIFFIN:  My goodness. How do you do that?

MISS DOCENT:  I have no idea. It just happens.

GEORGE WASHINGTON:  Good morning. Let me introduce you to my Secretary 
of War, Henry Knox, and my special envoy, John Jay.

KNOX and JAY:  Our pleasure.

WASHINGTON:  I have no idea what a special envoy is, but one of the 
cool things about being president is that you can appoint them any time 
you like.

MRS. GRIFFIN:  Class, pay attention. This is George Washington, Father 
of Our Country. Excuse me, Mr. President. I've always wondered:  In 
the Revolutionary War, how did you manage to get your men through that 
terrible winter in Valley Forge?

WASHINGTON:  One word, Mrs. Griffin:  s'mores.

MRS. GRIFFIN:  S'mores?

WASHINGTON:  Sure. While the redcoats were trying to survive on boiled 
mutton, my men were toasting marshmallows over the campfire.

KNOX:  They were delicious---did wonders for our morale.

WASHINGTON:  Though, as you can see...
(holds up dentures)
...they were tough on our teeth.

KNOX:  I TOLD you we should have flossed.

MRS. GRIFFIN:  Did you hear that, class? Let this be a lesson to you.

MISS DOCENT:  Mr. Washington was unanimously elected our first 
president in 1789. Without his firm guidance, it's doubtful our new 
country would have survived.

WASHINGTON:  Oh, you exaggerate.

JAY:  No she doesn't. You were mahhhvelous.

KNOX:  Absolutely:  you were first in war, first in peace, and first in 
the hearts of your countrymen.

Song 2

JAY and KNOX:
You set the precedent for president         
You set the tone for all to come
How to veto, what to sign
How to keep the Veep in line
When to bargain, when to fight
How to wear a wig just right.

WASHINGTON (spoken):  I did look pretty good, didn't I?

JAY and KNOX:
You set the precedent for president
You set the tone for all to come
How to nuance and finesse
An inaugural address
The job's tiring and it's tough
And so two terms are enough.

WASHINGTON:
Just say no
To permanent alliances
Don't make treaties that can lead you into war
Just say yes
To politic neutrality
And then settle back and have another s'more!

JAY, KNOX, WASHINGTON, CHORUS:
You set the precedent for president
You set the tone for all to come
How to veto, what to sign
How to keep the Veep in line
When to bargain, when to fight
How to wear a wig just right.
How to nuance and finesse
An inaugural address.
The job's tiring and it's tough
And so two terms are enough
You set the precedent for president.

	(WASHINGTON, JAY, and KNOX exit.)

DOCENT:  Now over here we have the second and sixth presidents, the 
Adams family.

GRIFFIN (hands on hips, glares at students):  And don't even THINK 
about any Uncle Fester jokes.

DOCENT:  Let's see if we can conjure up John Adams and his son John 
Quincy Adams.

	(ABIGAIL appears)

JOHN (from off or side of stage):  Was too!

JOHN QUINCY (from off or side of stage:  Was not!

JOHN:  Was too!

JOHN QUINCY:  Was not!

ABIGAIL (to DOCENT, GRIFFIN):  Honestly, those two are going to drive 
me nuts.

DOCENT:  Hello, Abigail. Are they at it again?

ABIGAIL:  As always.

JOHN (still from side of stage):  Was too!

JOHN QUINCY:  Was not!

ABIGAIL:  John! John Quincy! You get in here right now. And stop that 
bickering. Two presidents acting like children. You should be ashamed 
of yourselves.

	(The two men enter. ABIGAIL speaks to DOCENT)

ABIGAIL:  My husband and son are forever arguing.

GRIFFIN:  About who was the best president?

ABIGAIL:  No. About who was LEAST popular.

JOHN QUINCY (pointing to JOHN):  HE started it.

JOHN:  Nuh-uh! He said he was less liked than I was. Even though I was 
Washington's vice-president, I defeated Jefferson in the election by 
only 3 electoral votes.

JOHN QUINCY:  At least YOU got to be vice-president.

JOHN:  The most insignificant office ever contrived or conceived.

JOHN QUINCY:  But even when I won the election Andrew Jackson defeated 
me in both the popular vote and the electoral college. You can't beat that.

ABIGAIL:  Please, you were both fine presidents.

JOHN:  But they didn't like us! I kept our young nation out of the war 
between the French and British and I STILL lost my bid for re-election.

JOHN QUINCY:  And I had big ideas for funding highways and canals, even 
a national university, but nobody agreed and I got creamed in MY try 
for re-election.

JOHN:  No, I was creamed.

JOHN QUINCY:  I was annihilated.

JOHN:  Yeah? Well, my own barber didn't vote for me.

JOHN QUINCY:  That's nothing. I didn't even vote for me.

ABIGAIL:  Boys!

Song 3

JOHN:
Four years                          
I used my clout
No war
I kept us out.

I said
We wouldn't shoot
Four years
Then I got the boot.

ABIGAIL:
Johnny oh Johnny
You are the best
Johnny oh Johnny
Now give it a rest.
Though you're a slow learner
My love can't be firmer
My sweet single-termer
I still love you.

JOHN QUINCY:
Four years
I had big plans
Too bad
I had no fans.

I  tried
Hard not to pout
Four years
They voted me out!

ABIGAIL and CHORUS:
Johnny oh Johnny
You are the best
Johnny oh Johnny
Now give it a rest.
Though you're a slow learner
My love can't be firmer
My sweet single-termer
I still love you.
My sweet single-termer
I still love you.

	(The three ADAMS exit. JEFFERSON enters.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON:  Did I just hear John Adams?

DOCENT:  Oh, hello, President Jefferson. I'm afraid you just missed 
him.

JEFFERSON:  He helped me draft the Declaration of Independence. We got 
to be good friends after, well, after I whipped him in that 
presidential election.

GRIFFIN:  He seems a little bitter.

JEFFERSON:  Oh, he's just a bit high strung. New Englander, you know. 
Remarkably sensible for a Harvard boy.

ALEXANDER HAMILTON (entering):  Tom Jefferson? Is that you?

JEFFERSON:  Alexander Hamilton! My old Federalist nemesis. How have you 
been?

HAMILTON:  Not bad, not bad. I've slowed down a bit since that Aaron 
Burr thing.

JEFFERSON:  Well, we've all slowed a bit. Everything I did after that 
Louisiana Purchase seems a bit anti-climatic. But the party politics we 
started has taken off like gangbusters, hasn't it?

GRIFFIN:  Excuse me, but did you say you started the political parties?

HAMILTON:  Pretty much. I was Secretary of the Treasury under 
Washington, and the leading figure in the Federalist party. We believed 
in a powerful central government, a national debt, strong central bank, 
support for industry, and rule by the best people.

JEFFERSON:  But my Jeffersonian politics belonged to what is called 
the Democratic-Republicans favored states rights, agriculture, and the 
extension of democracy.

DOCENT:   George Washington warned against forming political factions.

HAMILTON:  Oh none of us could have foreseen the incredible development 
of the two-party system.

JEFFERSON and HAMILTON (good naturedly, even though in competition):

Song 4

The framers of the constitution                
All hoped we'd get along
The framers got a lot just perfect
But this one they got wrong.

They thought that we would work together
And rule in harmony
But really there is just one item
On which we can agree.

You are the bad guys
We are the good guys
The world is split in two
We're gonna party
Come on and party
And may the worse one lose!
We're gonna party
And may the worse one lose!

HAMILTON:
We need a government with power
It's strength should be increased

JEFFERSON:
The government is best I'm certain
That governs us the least.

HAMILTON:
Let's make our policies pro-business

JEFFERSON:
The farmer is our man
We like the French

HAMILTON:		
We love the British

JEFFERSON and HAMILTON (pointing to each other):
It's YOU I cannot stand!

You are the bad guys
We are the good guys
The world is split in two
We're gonna party
Come on and party
And may the worse one lose!
We're gonna party
And may the worse one lose!

Our two parties have just one thing we've concurred
Our two parties know that we don't need a third.

JEFFERSON, HAMILTON, CHORUS:
You are the bad guys
We are the good guys
The world is split in two
We're gonna party
Come on and party
And may the worse one lose!
We're gonna party
And may the worse one lose!
We're gonna party
And may the worse one lose!

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