Casting:

Flexible casting from 11-40 students.
Use as many scouts from each region of the country 
as desired; one student can easily play more than one
role. Note that roles are not gender-specific: almost all
roles can be played by boys or girls.

Read the Script:

This is the first one-third of the script:


CHARACTERS:

Gamma
Captain Alpha
Delta
Gamma
Scouts from Southwest
Scouts from New England
Game Show Host
Stephanie
Michael
Omega
Scouts from Pacific Coast
Scouts from Mid-Atlantic
Scouts from Great Lakes
Scouts from Rocky Mountains
Kappa Lambda Mu
Scouts from Appalachian Highlands
Scouts from Southeast
Valley Girl Aliens
and a Chorus made up of all students who are not playing
roles at the time.

Song 1

OPENING SONG:
We are friendly aliens                      
We come from outer space
We’re looking for a brand new home
The U.S. is the place.

We are lovely aliens
We’d like to relocate
We’re searching this whole continent
We’re scouring every state.

 U.S. Geography
Wondrous topography
From Atlantic to Pacific
All the views are quite terrific
From Everglades to Bering Sea
There’s just so much variety
U.S. Geography, U.S. Geography
It's great with me.

We are clever aliens
We’ve done our homework well
We sent out scouts to every state
And had them stay a spell.

Today’s the day we’ve waited for
When those reports are due
The scouts will tell us what they’ve found
And you can find out too.

U.S. Geography
Wondrous topography
To the Great Lakes we’ve been going
We’ve been Gulf of Mexicoing
There’s rivers, deserts, plains to see

ONE ALIEN (shouts):  And purple mountains’ majesty

ALIENS:
U.S. Geography, U.S. Geography
It's great with me.

GAMMA:  This is so exciting, Captain Alpha. The day we’ve been waiting for. Ever
since our home planet was designated an interstellar toxic waste dump, we’ve been
searching for a new place to live.

ALPHA: Yes, Gamma, we were lucky to stumble upon the earth—and this little land
called the United States. Have our scouts visited all the geographical sections of the country?

GAMMA:  Yes, sir. Today we beam them back up here to the ship to find out where’s
the best place to settle.

ALPHA:  Now where’s Lieutenant Delta? He was due back nanoseconds ago.
               (shouting)
Delta, where are you?

DELTA (entering; he speaks in a military manner, although he is dressed as a matador): 
Lieutenant Delta back from earth as requested, Captain.

ALPHA:  What on earth are you wearing?

DELTA:  I’m disguised as a bull-fighter, sir.

ALPHA:  A bull-fighter? I told you to dress as a FIRE fighter.

DELTA:  You did?

ALPHA:  Yes! They don’t have bull-fighters in the United States.

DELTA:  Does this mean I don’t get to keep the tail?

GAMMA:  Lieutenant, where’s the first scouting party?

 DELTA:  Here they are, sir. Just back from the Southwestern section of the country.

 (ALIENS from the Southwestern states enter. THEY are on crutches, arms bandaged,
etc. They’re dirty and their clothes are torn.)

DELTA:  Official reports: states and capitals!

SOUTHWEST #1:  Phoenix, Arizona.

SOUTHWEST #2:  Santa Fe, New Mexico

SOUTHWEST #1:  Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

SOUTHWEST #2:  Austin, Texas

 ALPHA:  What happened to you? You look terrible.

 SOUTHWEST #1:  You won’t believe how big everything is out there, sir.

 SOUTHWEST #2:  Huge, sir. Ginormous.

 SOUTHWEST #1:  For example, sir, there’s this big river, the Colorado, and it runs
through the biggest canyon you ever saw.

 SOUTHWEST #2:  A grand canyon, sir. We underestimated it a bit.

Song 2

It’s one mile deep          
And eighteen wide
I thought I’d leap
From side to side.
It’s farther though
Than I had guessed
Yeah it’s all big in the big southwest.
It’s all big in the big southwest.

The desert’s hot
The mountains steep
The Rio’s Grande
The oil is deep.
It shoots out hard
I can attest
Yeah it’s all big in the big southwest.
It’s all big in the big southwest.

Everything’s huge in Texas
Anyone can tell you that
But it’s true for Arizona
And also Oklahoma
New Mexico—the same thing goes.

ENTIRE CLASS:
The cattle grow
Like they’re possessed
Don’t let them sit
Upon your chest.
That really hurts
I need a rest
Yeah it’s all big in the big southwest.
It’s all big in the big southwest.
It’s all big in the big southwest.

(THEY exit)

DELTA:  The next party is ready to report, Captain.

ALPHA:  Well bring them in.

 DELTA (shouting):  New England, come on down!

           (NEW ENGLAND ALIENS enter)

N.E. ALIEN #1:  Augusta, Maine.

N.E. ALIEN #2:  Montpelier, Vermont

N.E. ALIEN #3:  Concord, New Hampshire

N.E. ALIEN #1:  Boston, Massachusetts

N.E. ALIEN #2:  Hartford, Connecticut

N.E. ALIEN #3:  Providence, Rhode Island

GAMMA:  Where IS this New England place?

Song 3

 N.E. ALIENS:
You looking for New England?        
Just hold a map real tight
Now find the northeast corner
That’s up and to the right.

Yeah all six states are tiny
So cuddly and so cute
But there’s one thing about them
That I must now refute.

New England’s old
New England’s old
The pilgrim’s stopped at Plymouth Rock
Though it tries hard for avant guarde we’re told
Oh ho New England’s old.

ENTIRE CLASS:
There’s White and there’s Green mountains
The shores of Lake Champlain
Cape Cod and all those islands
A terminal moraine!

You travel ’round New England
By land or air or cruise
No matter where you’re stepping
You’ll get history on your shoes.

New England’s old
New England’s old
The pilgrim’s stopped at Plymouth Rock
Though it tries hard for avant guarde we’re told
Oh ho New England’s old.

Yeah I trust Massachusetts
The presidential state
Connecticut is honest
Vermont and Maine play straight.

But still I have to warn you
Not everything is true
Rhode Island’s not an island
New Hampshire’s not so new.

New England’s old
New England’s old
The pilgrim’s stopped at Plymouth Rock
Though it tries hard for avant guarde we’re told
Oh ho New England’s old
Oh ho New England’s old
Oh ho New England’s old.

          (THEY EXIT)

 DELTA:  Captain, I just received a message from our operative in the Heartland.

 ALPHA:  Why isn’t he here?

 DELTA:  He’s trapped in South Dakota, sir.

 GAMMA:  Discovered by earthlings?  

 DELTA:  No, sir. He was climbing Mt. Rushmore and got his foot caught in Teddy
Roosevelt’s mustache.

 ALPHA:  You’re kidding.

 DELTA:  Negative, Captain. We sent in a rescue team, but they seem to have gotten
lost in Lincoln’s nose.

 ALPHA:  His nose?

 DELTA:  It’s a really big nose, sir.

 GAMMA:  But what about the report? We need to learn about the heartland states.

 DELTA:  It’s taken care of, sir. Our scout sent this holographic replay of his favorite
game show.

 ALPHA:  An earthling game show? What has THAT got to do with his report?

 DELTA:  Apparently he was a contestant, sir.

 ALPHA:  A contestant? He’ll give himself away for sure!

GAMMA:  I LOVE game shows! Put it in the machine, put it in the machine!

(DELTA does. Suddenly GAME SHOW HOST and THREE contestants appear/enter.)

HOST:  Good evening, everybody, and welcome to “Name That State capital!” Now
let’s meet tonight’s contestants.

(reading from card)
Contestant number one is Stephanie Nathan. Stephanie’s an accountant whose hobbies
include needlepoint and sitting on her cat.

STEPHANIE:  I’m so excited to be here.

HOST (reads from card):  Contestant number two is Michael Stuffner, a computer
programmer who enjoys miniature golf and eating cereal until he feels like he’s going
to explode.

 MICHAEL:  It’s great to be on the show.

HOST (reading):  And contestant number three is, um, Omega 239. That’s an
unusual name, Omega. It says here you collect “intergalactic glipfarbs.”

OMEGA:  That’s right. But only the edible ones.

HOST:  Okay, contestants. Are you ready to play “Name That State capital!”?

ALL THREE:  Yes!

HOST:  Great. Today’s category is “states of the heartland.”  And here’s our first
toss-up:  what is the capital of North Dakota?

          (OMEGA buzzes in)
Yes, Omega?

OMEGA:  The Moons of Neebor?

HOST:  Um, no, sorry, that’s wrong.

          (STEPHANIE buzzes)
Stephanie?

STEPHANIE:  Bismark.

HOST:  That’s right, Bismark, North Dakota. Now here’s your bonus question: 
What’s the capital of Minnesota?

STEPHANIE:  St. Paul?

HOST: That’s absolutely right! St. Paul, Minnesota. That’s 15 points. And now here’s
your next toss-up:  What is the capital Nebraska?

          (OMEGA buzzes)
Uh, yes, Omega?

OMEGA:  The Rings of Ziborg?

 HOST:  No, no, I’m not sure you understand the category. This is state capitals of
the heartland. The Great Plains. You know, rolling prairies. Corn. Wheat. Cattle. You see?

          (MICHAEL buzzes)

MICHAEL:  Lincoln. Lincoln, Nebraska.

HOST:  Yes, that’s correct. And here’s your bonus question:  what is the capital
of Iowa?

OMEGA (shouts out):  The Twin Suns of Zambrax?

HOST:  Wait! It’s not your turn, Omega. Please. Michael, do YOU have an answer?

MICHAEL:  Des Moines. Des Moines, Iowa.

HOST:  Perfect! And that’s 15 points for you. Now for the third toss-up.

          (looks at OMEGA)
And remember—we’re looking for a state capital in the Heartland. Dairy products.
The great Mississippi and Missouri Rivers. Ready? Okay:  what is the capital
of Kansas?

          (OMEGA buzzes. HOST ignores)
Anyone? Anyone at all?

          (OMEGA buzzes again, HOST pretends not to notice)
Anyone like to give it a try?

          (OMEGA buzzes) 

STEPHANIE:  I think Omega here got in the first buzzer.

HOST:  Really? He did? I must have missed that. Okay, Mr. Omega, what IS the
capital of Kansas? Kansas. The state. Geographical center of the U.S. On earth.

OMEGA (thinks hard for a second, then):  The Red Dwarf of Gamelon 5?

HOST:  No! No no no no no! It’s Topeka! Topeka, Kansas. Not The Red Dwarf
of Gamelon 5. And it’s not the Black Hole of Missouri, or the White Giant of
South Dakota either.

 STEPHANIE:  Actually, it’s Jefferson City, Missouri.

 MICHAEL:  And Pierre, South Dakota.

 HOST (to the audience):  And thank goodness, that’s all the time we have for today.

 OMEGA:  Did I win?

HOST:  Thanks for watching…

OMEGA:  Do I get the car?

HOST:  And see you next time, on “Name That State capital!”

           (THEY exit)

 GAMMA:  That was so cool!

ALPHA:  Cool? Why doesn’t he just wear a sign on his back saying “I am an alien
from outer space—kick me!”?

 DELTA:  Our scout from the Pacific Coast states is ready to report, Captain.

 GAMMA:  Well bring him in, Lieutenant.

 DELTA:  Yes, sir.

(shouts)
Dude! Dude, report for duty!

ALPHA:  Dude? You call him Dude?

DELTA:  He’s deep under cover, sir. Everyone out there is a dude.

           (DUDE enters. DELTA exits to put on new “disguise”)

GAMMA:  Report!

 DUDE:  Sacramento, California. Salem, Oregon. Olympia, Washington.

 ALPHA:  Tell us about the West coast—is it suitable for settlement?

 DUDE:  It’s way excellent—a huge variety of landscapes and weather patterns.
Something for everyone. But there’s one thing that links it all together.

Song 4

It rains ev’ry year near Seattle         
Some two hundred inches or more
But for those keeping tally
Way down south in death valley
The temp has reached one thirty four.

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