Teacher Reviews: "Thorougly standards based! The audience loved the humor and we had standing ovations." ---Vince Rosato, teacher (4th) Searles Elementary, Union City, CA Read More Teacher Reviews BUY NOW

Casting:

Flexible casting from 11-40 students.
Use as many Butlers, Maids, Drivers, Cooks, etc.
as desired; one student can easily play several roles. Note that all
roles can be played by either boys or girls, including the presidents;
see our comments on page 40 of the Teacher's Guide.

Read the Script:

This is the first one-third of the script:

CHARACTERS:

Steve Stevens, Private Eye
Narrator (has a crush on Steve)
Butlers
Maids
Cooks
Drivers
Eccentric Aunts
Amelia Earhart
Colonel Ketchup
Style Reserve Recruits
Miss Mansion
Bill Shakespeare
Plagiarists
   
and a CHORUS composed of all students who are not playing
roles on stage at the time.
   
    (CLASS enters, sits around back of stage/classroom. There
    is a small desk with a chair in the middle. STEVE  STEVENS
    enters, sits on the chair and leans back. NARRATOR enters,
    holding a book. SHE stands slightly to one side at front, and
    reads loudly and clearly to the audience from the book.)

NARRATOR (she speaks in a clipped rhythm, detective-style):  It was warm
day. Private Eye Steve Stevens was cool, though. Too cool. He needed a
case. The rent was due, and he'd eaten nothing but Lucky Charms* for three
days. He hated Leprechauns. The phone rang.
    (SHE makes a silly phone ringing sound.)
It was a call that would change his life.

STEVE (picking up the phone):
Steve Stevens, Private Eye.
    (pause to listen, then speaks; excited)
Wow, that IS a good deal! Two weeks in Hawaii every year?

NARRATOR:  But THIS was NOT the call. This was a solicitation for a
time-share condo. Steve hung up the phone.

STEVE (not wanting to hang up, protests to NARRATOR):  But for only 10,000
bucks I could get a beautiful...

NARRATOR (interrupting, very forcefully):  STEVE HUNG UP THE PHONE!

STEVE (hanging up the phone):  Okay, okay. Geez. This detective genre is so
confining.

NARRATOR (collects herself, begins reading from the book again):  The phone
rang.
    (SHE makes a silly phone ringing sound)
It was a call that would change his life.

STEVE (grabs the phone eagerly, starts talking before he hears who is on the
line): I didn't want to hang up. They made me. Tell me more about...
    (HE stops talking, now listening to someone speaking)
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.
    (Listens for a bit)
A case? For me? Of course I'm free.
    (HE holds his hand over the phone, whispers loudly, happily
     to NARRATOR)
It's a case! It's a case! Wow, it's a case!

NARRATOR (reading to audience from her book):  Steve was cool.

STEVE (collecting himself, trying to act cool, speaks back into phone):
You're in luck, Miss Mansion. I think I can squeeze you in. What's the
problem?
    (He listens a bit, then asks disbelievingly)
You had WHAT stolen?
    (Pause; then, obviously faking it)
Sure, uh, that's not a problem. We, uh, see that all the time. I've handled
dozens, maybe millions of cases like that.

NARRATOR (still reading from the book):  Steve was lying.

STEVE (covering phone; to NARRATOR):  Would you stop that?
    (into phone)
Oh no, not you, Miss Mansion. I'll be over in a few minutes.
    (HE hangs up. To NARRATOR:)
Come on. We gotta go. Some rich dame just had an heirloom stolen. A
paragraph. Whatever that is.
    (HE rushes off)

NARRATOR:  Steve was clueless. Cute, but clueless.

(STEVE shouts from side):  Come on! Round up the usual suspects.

NARRATOR:  Steve had always wanted to say that.

    (NARRATOR rushes off; CLASS stands and sings)

CLASS:
Song 1:
You like detective stories?
You like a little laugh?
You've found the place
ıCause here's the case
Of the missing paragraph.

A crime has been committed
So grab your polygraph
We're in a race
To solve the case
Of the missing paragraph.

One, big
One mystery
We'll search out each clue
One, big
One mystery
We'll learn about writing essays too.

We've got a nice Who Dunnit
And here's the final draft
Now we're on pace
To solve the case
Of the missing paragraph.

A crime has been committed
So grab your polygraph
We're in a race
To solve the case
Of the missing paragraph.

One, big
One mystery
We'll search out each clue
One, big
One mystery
Weıll learn about writing essays too.


    (CLASS sits down. STEVE walks on; NARRATOR takes her
    place at front, to one side, as before.)

NARRATOR (reading from book):  A few minutes later, Steve was knocking on
Miss Mansionıs front door.
     (STEVE looks around­there is no door, of course. HE throws up his hands at
NARRATOR. SHE repeats:)
Steve KNOCKED on the door.
    (HE shrugs, pretends to knock in the air, half-heartedly.
    NARRATOR says:)
Knock, knock, knock.

STEVE (to NARRATOR):  Thanks. I can handle it from here.

NARRATOR:  Something strange had overcome Steve.

STEVE:  Really. Go on. I'll be okay.

NARRATOR (hurt, reads from book):  Steve foolishly decided to go solo,
dismissing the only decent thing he had in his life.
    (SHE exits in a huff; THREE BUTLERS quickly appear)

BUTLER #1:  Mr. Stevens, I presume?

STEVE:  That's right. Private Eye. Miss Mansion called me about the, uh,
missing heirloom.

BUTLER #2:  Welcome to the Mansion Mansion. We are her butlers. Please come
into the library. 

BUTLER #3:  Miss Mansion is indisposed at the moment.

BUTLER #1:  She has asked us to show you the crime scene.

BUTLER #2 (holding a fancy piece of paper, like parchment):  This is the
manuscript.
    (Hands it to STEVE)

BUTLER #3:  It's an essay composed by her grandfather.

BUTLER #1:  It was a prize-winning essay, the money for which he parlayed
into the Mansion fortune. It is of great sentimental value to Miss Mansion.

STEVE:  I thought it was stolen.

BUTLER #2:  Not the entire essay. Just a paragraph.

BUTLER #3:  And not just any paragraph. The OPENING paragraph.

STEVE:  Is that important?

BUTLER #1:  Important? The opening paragraph is THE crucial paragraph.

BUTLER #2:  It sets the tone, presents the topic---it outlines the entire
essay.

BUTLER #3:  It's like a Butler. It greets the readers and invites them in.

STEVE:  Sounds valuable.

BUTLERS #1, 2, 3 (together):  Absolutely.

BUTLERS: 
Song 2:
Gotta gotta gotta have
Gotta gotta gotta have, yeah
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction.

Gotta gotta gotta have
Gotta gotta gotta have
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction.

First paragraphs open doors
That's where things begin
First paragraphs greet your guests
And welcome them in.
Gotta gotta gotta have
Gotta gotta gotta have, yeah
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction.

Open the door
Show what's in store
Make 'em want more
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction.

First paragraphs state the theme
And your point of view
Though butlers donıt like to shout
Thesis statements do!

BUTLERS and CHORUS:
Gotta gotta gotta have
Gotta gotta gotta have, yeah
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction.

Open the door
Show what's in store
Make 'em want more
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction, oh
Gotta gotta gotta have an introduction.

    (THEY exit. NARRATOR enters and takes place at front, side
     of stage. Two MAIDs also enter, dusting and cleaning.)

NARRATOR (reading from book):  The case was heating up. So was Steve
Stevens---he had handcuffed all three butlers to the coffee table. The Butler
ALWAYS does it, he reasoned. Steve was wrong. He was big enough to admit it.
Especially when faced with a lawsuit. Meanwhile, rumors were flying through
the rest of the Mansion household. The Maids even dusted off some old
memories.
    (SHE exits)

MAID #1 (pointing to exiting NARRATOR):  Who was that?

MAID #2:  I don't know. She showed up with that Private Eye. Some sort of
story-tellin' device, I think.

MAID #1:  Better than a voice-over.

MAID #2:  Oh, yes! Nothin's cheesier than a voice-over.

MAID #1: So, do you have any theories about who took the paragraph?

MAID #2:  I don't see why theyıre makin' such a big deal about it. It's the
topic that counts in essay writin'.

MAID #1:  It is, isn't it? You can't even THINK about writin' an openin'
paragraph until you have something to write about.

MAID #2:  And you should pick somethin' fun. If you like what you're workin'
on, it's easy. I've always loved cleanin' my ears, for example. Back in
school I wrote every single essay about my ears.

MAID #1:  And I used to write about footwear! I LOVE footwear.  Sometimes I
put on three or four pair of Miss Mansion's socks and run around the house
pretendin' I'm rich.

MAID #2:  Yep. You gotta write about what you love.

MAIDS:
Song 3:
Choose your topic wisely
That's rule number one
Choose your topic wisely, oh
Make your writing fun!

MAID #2:
My fav'rite essay I composed
Explained how ear wax comes and goes
I learned so much and all these years
I've cherished all the stuff inside my ears.
Woh oh oh oh

MAIDS:
Choose your topic wisely
That's rule number one
Choose your topic wisely, oh
Make your writing fun!

MAID #1:
My fav'rite was outside the box
I analyzed Abe Lincoln's socks
The Civil War then lit my fuse
'Cause I had stood in Mr. Lincoln's shoes
Woh oh oh oh.

MAIDS:
Choose your topic wisely
That's rule number one
Choose your topic wisely, oh
Make your writing fun!

MAIDS and CHORUS:
Choose your topic wisely
That's rule number one
Choose your topic wisely, oh
Make your writing fun!
Make your writing fun!
 
(THEY exit. STEVE enters, walking slowly, sniffing the air.
NARRATOR enters and takes her position.)

NARRATOR (reading from book):  Steve was on the scent. Literally. He smelled
something delicious and it was almost lunch time.
     (SHE looks up, no longer seeming to read from the book.
     SHE speaks dreamily at first, but gets upset towards the end.)
It had been days since Steve had a good home-cooked meal. And certainly
there was someone who would love to cook him a great meal. Someone who is
there every day. Someone who reads his thoughts like a book. Someone he
barely notices, someone who might as well be DEAD.
    (SHE starts weeping hysterically and runs off stage)

(This concludes the first one- third of the script.)

BUY NOW